Funnies
by PissedOffEskimo
Summary: There's what Kripke wrote, there's what the boys say, then there's what I hear.
1. Season One

**T**itle: Funnies  
**P**airing: Sam/Dean Sam/Dean/Other  
**R**ating: R  
**W**ord Count: 5,740  
**W**arning: My particular brand of humor. Mentions of: incest, slash, threesomes, bestiality.  
**D**isclaimer:Guess who doesn't own this? That's right, me, but I am working on kidnapping myself a pair of Winchesters. Don't worry, boys, it won't hurt. Well, not in a bad way.**  
S**ummary: There's what Kripke wrote, there's what the boys say, then there's what I hear.  
**A**uthor's Note: Seriously, people, this is what happens when you raise your child on MST3K. Although, in they're defense, they could never have guessed I would have been a slash fan. Email me for links.

* * *

**S**eason **O**ne 

**Episode 1: Pilot**  
**D**ean: So, this is where she drowned her kids.  
**S**am: That's why she could never go home, she was too scared to face them.  
**D**ean: You found her weak spot. Nice work, Sammy.  
**S**am: Yeah, wish I could say the same for you. What were you thinking shooting Casper in the face, you freak?  
**D**ean: Hey, saved your ass. I'll tell you another thing, you screwed up my car... I'll kill you.  
**S**am: laugh  
**D**ean: Oh, by the way, kept the handcuffs. You up for a little post-Hunt celebration, Winchester style?  
**S**am: Dean, no, come on, I've got a girlfriend now. Put those away.  
**D**ean: eyebrow waggle  
**S**am: Oh, what the hell, Casper did say I'd be unfaithful. Think the bed's still up there?  
**D**ean: Sex in a dead woman's bed? Why, Sam, you kinky little bitch.  
**S**am: Race ya.

**Episode 2: Wendigo**  
**D**ean: You okay?  
**S**am: Yeah, I'm fine.  
**D**ean: Another nightmare?  
**S**am: clear throat  
**D**ean: Want to drive for a while?  
**S**am: Dean, your whole life you've never once asked me that.  
**D**ean: Just thought you might want to. Never mind.  
**S**am: Look man, you're worried about me, I get it and thank you, but I'm perfectly okay.  
**D**ean: ...post-nightmare blow job, then?  
**S**am: I'm surprised you haven't already pulled over.  
**D**ean: Thought so.

**Episode 3: Dead in the Water**  
**S**am: How are you holding up?  
**A**ndrea: It's just gonna take a long time to sort through everything, you know.  
**S**am: Andrea, I'm sorry...  
**A**ndrea: You saved my son, I can't ask for more than that. Dad loved me, he loved Lucas and no matter what he did, I just have to... hold onto that.  
**S**am: No! No, not that. I meant last night, when... look, Dean can get a little freaky and put a beer or two in me and... well, you know."  
**A**ndrea: Oh, right...  
**S**am: ...yeah.  
**A**ndrea: Don't worry about it, it's... fine. I put bananas in the lunch.  
**S**am: ...thanks. This is awkward.  
**A**ndrea: Yup.

**Episode 4: Phantom Traveler**  
**D**ean: Well, I kinda have this problem with, uh...  
**S**am: Flying?  
**D**ean: It's not really been an issue until now.  
**S**am: You're joking right?  
**D**ean: Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?  
**S**am: Alright, uh, I'll go.  
**D**ean: What?!  
**S**am: I'll do this one on my own.  
**D**ean: What are you, nuts? You said it yourself, the plane's gonna crash.  
**S**am: Look, Dean, we can do it together, I can do this one by myself, I'm not seeing a third option here.  
**D**ean: Come on! Really? Man.  
**S**am: Dean?  
**D**ean: Okay, fine, but after this I, uh... I get to do that thing you haven't let me do yet.  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: You know...  
**S**am: Oh, come on, Dean!  
**D**ean: Fair's fair. I face my fear, you face yours.  
**S**am: Damnit!  
**D**ean: Come on, Sam, it's not so bad. I look cute in a rubber nose.  
**S**am: I hate you sometimes.  
**D**ean: Go get the tickets.

**Episode 5: Bloody Mary**  
**P**olice: Hold it!  
**D**ean: Wow, wow, wow, guys. It's a false alarm. I tripped the system.  
**P**olice: Who are you  
**D**ean: I'm the boss's kid.  
**P**olice: You're Mr. Yamashiro's kid?  
**D**ean: ...if by 'kid' you mean rent-boy.  
**P**olice: exchanging looks  
**D**ean: What?! You see these lips, they were made for sucking cock.

**Episode 6: Skin**  
**R**ebecca: So, this is what you do? You and your brother, you hunt down these kinds of things?  
**S**am: Yeah, pretty much. Well, that and have sex together, but... you walked in on that last night, so...  
**R**ebecca: I can't believe it. I mean, I saw it with my own eyes and... I mean, does everybody at school...? Nobody knows that you do this?  
**S**am: No  
**R**ebecca: Did Jessica know?  
**S**am: No, she didn't.  
**R**ebecca: Must be lonely.  
**S**am: ...? Oh! You were talking about the Hunting!  
**R**ebecca: Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing the other. Although, I never realized the human body could _bend_ that way.  
**S**am: We can go back to talking about Hunting.  
**R**ebecca: Thanks.

**Episode 7: Hook Man**  
**D**ean: But I burned those bones, I buried them in salt. Why didn't that stop him?  
**S**am: You must have missed something.  
**D**ean: No, I burned everything in that coffin.  
**S**am: Did you get the hook?  
**D**ean: The hook?  
**S**am: Well, it was the murder weapon, and in a way it was part of him.  
**D**ean: So, like the bones, the hook is the source of the power.  
**S**am: So, if we find the hook  
**B**oth: We stop the hookman.  
**D**ean: Man, I'm feeling so good about this, I'd almost consider letting you top.  
**S**am: Really?  
**D**ean: No. Come on, we've got to find that hook.  
**S**am: Fucking cock tease.

**Episode 8: Bugs**  
**M**other: Oh, god, what's that?  
**D**ean: Something's eating through the wood.  
**S**am: Like I was eating your wood last night?  
**D**ean: Dude, not now.  
**S**am: Right, sorry.  
**M**atthew: Uh... guys, it's termites. Aren't you two brothers?

**Episode 9: Home**  
**M**issouri: hits Dean upside the head  
**D**ean: What?!  
**M**issouri: That's for what you did in that little girl's bedroom.  
**D**ean: Sam did it too! How come you're not hitting him?  
**M**issouri: Boy, don't talk back to me! Now get busy cleaning up this mess while I go wash the sheets.

**Episode 10: Asylum**  
**S**am: Dean, step back from the door.  
**D**ean: Sam, put the gun down.  
**S**am: Is that an order?  
**D**ean: No, it's more of a friendly request.  
**S**am: 'Cause I'm gettin' pretty tired of takin' your orders. And for that matter, why can't I ever top, huh?  
**D**ean: I knew it, Ellicott did something to you. You love being my bitch.  
**S**am: For once in your life, just shut your mouth.  
**D**ean: What are you gonna do, Sam? Gun's filled with rock salt. It's not gonna kill me.  
**S**am: No, but it'll hurt like hell and it'll put you flat on your back. Let's see who the bitch is now.  
_Five Minutes Later  
_**D**ean: You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?  
**S**am: No.  
**D**ean: Good, 'cause that would be awkward. ...you're not gonna try and top me, either, right?  
**S**am: No, Dean, now can we stop bringing up embarrassing moments of the last half hour and get the hell out of here.

**Episode 11: Scarecrow**  
**D**ean: So, can I drop you off somewhere?  
**S**am: No, I think you're stuck with me.  
**D**ean: What made you change your mind?  
**S**am: I didn't. I still want to find Dad, and you're still a pain in the ass. But Jess and mom, they're both gone. Dad is god knows where. You and me, we're all that's left. So, uh, if we're gonna see this through, we're gonna do it together.  
**D**ean: Hold me, Sam, that was beautiful.  
**S**am: You should be kissing me ass. You were dead meat, dude.  
**D**ean: Yeah right, I had a plan, I'd have gotten out.  
**S**am: Right. Hey, and I meant that about kissing my ass. It's been weeks since I had a good rimming.  
**D**ean: Dream on, little brother.

**Episode 12: Faith**  
**S**am: I got it. Hey Layla, come on in.  
**L**ayla: Hey.  
**D**ean: Hey. How did you know we were here?  
**L**ayla: Um, Sam called, he said you wanted to say goodbye.  
**S**am: I'm gonna grab a soda.  
**D**ean: Give me one second, Layla, I'll be right back. outside the room Dude, what the hell?!  
**S**am: Think of it as a freebee, man, I won't even hold it against you. Just figured you could use some tail, is all. You went what, nearly a week without any?  
**D**ean: Yeah and I'm still sore from last night, Mr. Third-Time's-the-Freakin'-Charm.  
**S**am: Oh, I'm sure you'll manage somehow. And maybe next time, you won't go trying to die on me.  
**D**ean: I hate you.  
**S**am: Go get her tiger.

**Episode 13: Route 666**  
**S**am: I like her.  
**D**ean: Yeah.  
**S**am: You meet someone like her, ever make you wonder if it's worth it, putting everything else on hold. Doing what we do?  
**D**ean: Are you crazy or just jealous?  
**S**am: Right. You planning on staying faithful?  
**D**ean: Sure, until the next motel.  
**S**am: More like the next pit stop.  
**D**ean: Pull over now.

**Episode 14: Nightmare**  
**S**am: So you weren't gonna launch a knife at your step mom, right here? Is it that hard to believe, Max? Look what you can do. Max, I was drawn here, alright. I think I'm here to help you.  
**M**ax: No one can help me.  
**S**am: Let me try. We'll just talk, me and you... and maybe a little makeup remover.  
**M**ax: What?  
**S**am: It's the lipstick, kid, it's kind of creepy.  
**M**ax: ...I'm not wearing lipstick.  
**D**ean: Oh, way to go, genius.

**Episode 15: Benders**  
**H**ey Jensen,  
Dude, I love your fans.  
Hillbilly Lust (aff, author: Darkestangel)  
-Jared  
**H**ey Jared,  
Love yours more, bottom boy.  
Look What Love Has Done (livejournal, user: laminy)  
-Jensen  
**J**ensen,  
Two can play that, pretty boy.  
9 Months (sam/dean slash archive, author: sammyndeansgrl)  
-Jared  
**J**ared,  
Oh, right, because you're Mr. Macho.  
Power of the Pen... Er, Laptop (aff, author: slasherseries)  
-Jensen  
**J**ensen,  
That was weak, dude. Did you even read it?  
Bittersweet Reunion (aff, author: Darkestangel)  
-Jared  
**J**ared,  
Of course I didn't read it. I haven't read any of them. Wait, are you saying you do?!  
-Jensen  
**J**ensen,  
No, of course not. God, what do you take me for?  
-Jared  
**J**ared,  
A slutty little perv that likes to read over-gratifying stories about himself having sex.  
-Jensen  
**J**ensen,  
Touche. My place or yours?  
-Jared  
**J**ared,  
Mine and it's your turn to bring the lube.  
-Jensen

**Episode 16: Shadow**  
**D**ean: You trapped us, good for you, it's Miller time, but why don't you just kill us already.  
**M**eg: Not very quick on the uptake are we? This trap isn't for you.  
**S**am: Dad. It's a trap for Dad.  
**D**ean: Aw, sweatheart, you're dumber'n you look, 'cause even if Dad was in town, which he is not, he wouldn't walk into somethin' like this. He's too good.  
**M**eg: He is pretty good, I'll give you that. But you see, he has one weakness.  
**D**ean: Transvestite hookers?  
**M**eg: ...  
**D**ean: 'Cause, I'll give you props for figuring that out, but honestly, I don't see how it's going to help you much. Unless... Sam, you dog. You take more after the old man than I give you credit for.  
**S**am: Shut up, retard, she means _us_. _We_ are Dad's weakness.  
**D**ean: Oh.

**Episode 17: Hell House**  
**S**am: Look, it is a pretty big deal, alright, and it wasn't easy to dig up, so only if we have your word that you'll shut everything down.  
**E**d: Totally.  
**S**am: Alright. It's a death certificate, from the thirties. We got it at the library. Now, according to the coroner, the actual cause of death was a self inflicted gun shot wound.  
**D**ean: That's right, he didn't hang or cut himself.  
**H**arry: He shot himself?  
**S**am: Yup, with a .45 pistol. To this day, they say he's terrified of 'em.  
**D**ean: As a matter of fact, they say that if you shoot him with a .45 loaded with these special wrought-iron rounds, you can kill the son of a bitch.  
**S**am: Oh, and another thing. Apparently, it's not girls Murdock's got a thing for, it's young men. Short brown hair, green eyes, round about six feet tall, full lips. You know, pretty boys.  
**H**arry: runs  
**E**d: Harry, slow down, they're gonna know we're excited.  
**D**ean: Sam, what the hell?!  
**S**am: Payback's a bitch.

**Episode 18: Something Wicked**  
**M**ichael: If you kill it, will Asher get better?  
**D**ean: Honestly? We don't know.  
**M**ichael: You said you're a big brother?  
**D**ean: Yeah.  
**M**ichael: You take care of your little brother? You'd do anything for him?  
**D**ean: Except bottom.  
**M**ichael: What?  
**D**ean: Nothing. Yeah, yeah I would.  
**S**am: mumbling Jackass.

**Episode 19: Provenance**  
**S**am: Sarah, think about it. Evelyn, the Taleska's, they both had the painting and there have been others before that. Wherever this thing goes, people die and we're just trying to stop it. And that's the truth.  
**S**arah: Well, then, I guess you'd better show me. I'm coming with you.  
**S**am: What? No. Sarah, no, you should just go home. This stuff can get dangerous and... and I'm sleeping with my brother.  
**S**arah: What?!  
**S**am: Yeah, so, uh, it's just better for everyone if you just leave and...  
**S**arah: Wait, wait, wait, _that_ brother?  
**S**am: Yeah.  
**S**arah: You sleep with him. As in... _sleep_ with him?  
**S**am: ...yeah.  
**S**arah: That I gotta see, but _after_ we kill this thing. So, are we going or what?  
**D**ean: Sam, marry that girl.

**Episode 20: Dead Man's Blood**  
**S**am: We don't even know what these things are, yet.  
**J**ohn: They were what Daniel Elkins killed best. Vampires.  
**D**ean: Vampires? I thought there was no such thing.  
**S**am: You never even mentioned them, Dad.  
**J**ohn: I thought they were extinct. Besides, you boys had some pretty weird kinks. For all I knew, you'd try to hunt one down just to jump on the necrophilia train.  
**S**am: What?! That's not fair. Dean, maybe, but me...  
**D**ean: Hey! I do not have sex with dead chicks.  
**S**am: Except that one time?  
**D**ean: That was different.  
**S**am: How?  
**D**ean: I didn't know she was dead.  
**S**am: Dude, you have some serious issues.  
**D**ean: Aw, give us a kiss.  
**S**am: Oh, gross, Dean, come on, not in front of Dad.  
**J**ohn: See, that's what I'm talking about.  
**D**ean: Like you're one to talk, Mr. Transvestite Hookers, and what about that goat out at Pastor Jim's. What'd it ever do to you?

**Episode 21: Salvation**  
**J**ohn: Son of a bitch.  
**D**ean: What is it?  
**J**ohn: I just got a call from Caleb.  
**D**ean: Is he okay?  
**J**ohn: He's fine. Jim Murphy's dead.  
**S**am: Pastor Jim? How?  
**J**ohn: Throat was slashed. He bled out.  
**D**ean: What about the goat?  
**S**am: Oh, bad taste, Dean.  
**D**ean: What? Dad's the only one that can get friendly with Frank?  
**S**am: Oh, man, you too? See, this is why I left. I hate you guys. gets in the car

**Episode 22: Devil's Trap**  
**S**am: Dean, what the hell is going on?  
**D**emon: Your brother's lost his mind.  
**D**ean: He's not Dad.  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: I think he's possessed. I think he's been possessed since we rescued him.  
**D**emon: Don't listen to him, Sammy.  
**S**am: Dean, how do you know?  
**D**ean: He's different. He hasn't made one joke about being found tied to that bed, or beastiality, and he hasn't once tried to stick his hand down my pants.  
**S**am: Not once?  
**D**ean: Nope. And now that I think about it, he hasn't said anything our sex-capades, either and I know Dad better than anyone, he would be itching to rip into us about what we could have been up to while he was missing.  
**S**am: stands with Dean  
**D**emon: ...what the fuck is wrong with you Winchesters?! First you accuse my daughter of being a Transvestite, you shoot me son and make cracks about him topping Sam, then you accuse me of not being your father because I haven't _stuck my hand down your pants_? I thought that was just one of his sick fantasies or something. You know what, never mind, you win. I was going to corrupt Sammy, but looks like you guys have got that well and truly _covered_. I'll just show myself out then. You boys can pick up your old man by his truck in about five minutes. God, and I thought my family was fucked up. walks out  
**D**ean: Okay. So, um...  
**S**am: Yeah.  
**D**ean: Awkward.  
**S**am: Oh, yeah.  
**D**ean: ...hey, we've got five minutes to kill. Want to have sex?  
**S**am: Only if we can do it in Dad's bed.

_-tbc-_


	2. Season Two

**N**ote: Bait Bus is a website featuring videos of supposedly straight men being 'tricked' into having sex with gay men.

* * *

**S**eason **T**wo 

**Episode 1: In My Time of Dying**  
**D**ean: I don't think it's killing people, I think it's taking them. You know, when... when they're time's just up.  
**S**am: A reaper. Dean, is it after you? If it's here naturally, there's no way to stop it.  
**D**ean: Yeah, you can't kill death.  
**S**am: Man, you're um...  
**D**ean: I'm screwed, Sam. But there is something you can do for me.  
**S**am: Wait, what...? H. O. R. N. Y? You're horny? How can you be horny at a time like this?  
**D**ean: Come on, Sammy, consider it my dying wish.  
**S**am: N. A. K. E... Oh, no, I am not getting naked in a god damn hospital so you can jack off as a ghost. That is so like you... What? C. O. M. E. O. N. No, this is wrong, it's... P. L. E. A. S. E. Damnit. Fine, but you so owe me for this.

**Episode 2: Everyone Loves a Clown**  
**J**o: So.  
**D**ean: So.  
**J**o: Am I gonna see you again?  
**D**ean: Do you want to?  
**J**o: I wouldn't hate it.  
**D**ean: Hm. Can I be honest with you? You see, normally, I'd be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin. But, uh... these days... I don't know.  
**J**o: Wrong place? Wrong time? It's okay, I get it. You're sleeping with your brother.  
**D**ean: What?!  
**J**o: No, it's cool, really, although, just a heads up, those windows in that van? Not nearly as tinted as you two seem to think.  
**D**ean: ...  
**J**o: Tell you what, stud, you boys decide you want a little extra fun, you let me know.

**Episode 3: Bloodlust**  
**G**ordon: Sam and Dean Winchester. I can't believe it. You know, you guys are seriously famous.  
**S**am: Famous?  
**G**ordon: You mean, you don't know?  
**D**ean: Know about what, dude?  
**G**ordon: The website; pictures, videos. That's some kinky stuff you boys get into. It's moderated by this chick named Sarah out of New York. Lot of contributors. One of the biggest was some girl named Meg, but, uh, she dropped off a few months ago. No one's really sure what happened to her. It's all over the network.  
**D**ean: Network?!  
**G**ordon: Yeah, you know how Hunters talk.  
**D**ean: No, we don't, actually.  
**G**ordon: Guess there's a lot your Dad never told you, huh?  
**D**ean: I guess not.  
**G**ordon: Look, don't take it personal okay. We all do desperate things when we're lonely. Now, about this job. I've got it covered. Don't get me wrong, it's been a real pleasure meeting you fellows, but I've been on this thing for over a year. I killed a fang back in Austin, tracked the nest all the way up here. I'll finish it. drives off  
**S**am: Dude, _network_? _All over_? _Sarah_?! Man, I knew hooking up with her was a bad idea.  
**D**ean: Come on, it isn't that bad. Besides, it wasn't like you weren't there, and sober this time.  
**S**am: So help me god, Dean, if there are pictures of us in that van, I am withholding for a week.  
**D**ean: Dude, that was the best thing that ever happened in that van.  
**S**am: A week, Dean!  
**D**ean: Son of a bitch.

**Episode 4: Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things**  
**N**iel: What are you guys doing here?  
**D**ean: You know, I've heard of some people doing some pretty desperate things to get laid, but you? You take the cake.  
**N**iel: Okay, who are you guys?  
**D**ean: You might want to ask Angela that question.  
**N**iel: What?  
**S**am: We know what you did.  
**N**iel: Okay, fine, but I'm not doing it again. I don't care how much you offer to pay me this time...  
**S**am: Wow, wow, wait; what are you talking about?!  
**N**iel: The thing with the Bait Bus. Isn't that...?  
**D**ean: No, god, what the hell? We said ask _Angela_. You know, the chick you brought back from the dead?  
**N**iel: Oh, because, Angela kind of worked with them, so I thought... you know what, never mind. Where were we?  
**D**ean: We were intimidating you into telling us about how you used ancient Greek rituals to turn your would-be girlfriend into a walking dead blowup doll.  
**N**iel: ...so about that Bait Bus thing...

**Episode 5: Simon Says**  
**A**ndy: I mean, like, when I got my mind thing, it was like a gift, you know? It was like I won the lotto.  
**S**am: But, you still live in a van? I don't get it. I mean, you could have anything you ever wanted.  
**A**ndy: I mean... I... I've got everything I need.  
**S**am: So, you're really not a killer, huh?  
**A**ndy: That's what I've been trying to tell you.  
**S**am: That's good. It means there's hope for both of us. Look, when all this is over, you think you could do me a favor?  
**A**ndy: Yeah, sure.  
**S**am: Call my brother's cell and tell him to do whatever I say for thirty minutes.  
**A**ndy: Oh, I don't know...  
**S**am: puppy dog eyes  
**A**ndy: ...what the hell, us psychics gotta stick together, right? So, thirty minutes?  
**S**am: Better make it an hour.

**Episode 6: No Exit**  
**J**o: What do you... what do you remember about your dad? I mean, what's the first thing that pops into your head?  
**D**ean: ...  
**J**o: Come on, tell me.  
**D**ean: I was six or seven and, uh, we _really_ needed the money...

**Episode 7: Usual Suspects**  
**S**am: These showed up after you saw it?  
**D**iana: Yeah, I... I geuss  
**S**am: They looked like rope burn, thick rope, but it didn't break the skin, so not too rough. Kind of reminds me of the marks on my arms after Dean and I...  
**D**iana: cough  
**S**am: Oh, um, right, sorry. Uh, you're gonna have to tell me exactly what you saw.

**Episode 8: Crossroad Blues**  
**S**am: So much for a low profile. You've got a warrant in St. Louis and you're officially in the Fed's database.  
**D**ean: Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something.  
**S**am: Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder. We've gotta be more careful now. Besides, Dillinger probably never had a prostitution wrap.  
**D**ean: What?!  
**S**am: smirk  
**D**ean: How the hell did they find out about that?  
**S**am: ...I was kidding.  
**D**ean: Oh. Awkward.

**Episode 9: Croatoan**  
**S**am: How you holding up, Pam?  
**P**am: Good. It'll all be over soon. In fact, I've been waiting for this the whole time.  
**S**am: For what?  
**P**am: To get you alone. attacks Sam  
**D**ean: charges in, shoots Pam He's mine, bitch. I mean... glances back at Sarge You okay there, Sammy?

**Episode 10: Hunted**  
**G**ordon: Dean, it's his destiny. Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has gotta hurt like hell for you. gets out gag But here's the thing, it would have wrecked him, but... wait, did you hear that?  
**D**ean: Hmmhp...?  
**G**ordon: Just then it... it sounded like a thousand fangirls orgasming at the same time.  
**D**ean: Mmmm...

**Episode 11: Playthings**  
**T**yler: Mommy, the boy dolls keep getting on top of each other!

_and_

**S**am: Dude, what the fuck? It was one doll. _One_. I didn't even want it; it came with my fucking Happy Meal.  
**D**ean: Whatever, Dude, you kept that thing under your seat for like three years.  
**S**am: I wasn't keeping it, I lost it!  
**D**ean: Sure you did.  
**S**am: You are such a jerk

**Episode 12: Nightshifter**  
**S**am: Dean, we're supposed to be looking for eyes.  
**D**ean: I'm gettin' there.  
**S**am: Oh, yeah?  
**D**ean: Uhhu. Wait a minute. Hello, freak.  
**S**am: Got him.  
**D**ean: Sam.  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: Would you mind? I've kinda got a problem I could use your help with. If you know what I mean.  
**S**am: No, Dean. Now, come on.  
**D**ean: Wait.  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: I can't go out like this.  
**S**am: Then you shouldn't have been looking at ass when you were supposed to be doing your job. You want to help yourself, I'll be waiting outside.  
**D**ean: Sam.  
**S**am: Dean, for the last time, I don't care how horny you are, or how hot you look in that uniform, I am not giving you a blowjob in the security office of a bank!  
**D**ean: I was gonna say Ronald's chaining the front door, but... you really think I look hot?  
**S**am: Shut up.

**Episode 13: Houses of the Holy**  
**D**ean: Say it.  
**S**am: No.  
**D**ean: Come on, Sammy.  
**S**am: No.  
**D**ean: Do it, or I won't give you another quarter.  
**S**am: ...fine. You were right.  
**D**ean: And?  
**S**am: There really is magic in the Magic Fingers. Now give me the damn roll.

**Episode 14: Born Under a Bad Sign**  
**D**ean: Sam, when Dad told me I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. Even if I have to bend over and take it up the ass every now and again.  
**S**am: Really?  
**D**ean: Yeah.  
**S**am: You know, I am feeling kind of... evil.  
**D**ean: Not right now.  
**S**am: Come on, I've got all this... rage and aggression. I need to take it out on something.  
**D**ean: What, like my ass?  
**S**am: That's what I was thinking.  
**D**ean: Well, think again, demon-boy, you're not getting much more than standing blowjobs until this shoulder heals.  
**S**am: But... bullet wounds can take weeks to heal.  
**D**ean: You think I don't know that?  
**S**am: Next time I see her, the bitch will _die_.

**Episode 15: Tall Tales**  
**S**am: Hey, give me back my money.  
**D**ean: Oh, no. No, consider it reparations for emotional trauma.  
**S**am: Yeah, very funny, now give it back.  
**D**ean: No.  
**S**am: Dean, I have had it up to here with you.  
**D**ean: Yeah, right back atcha.  
_hot boy wrestling_  
**B**obby: Okay, I've heard enough.  
**D**ean: But I was just getting to the good part. So, Sam was behind me, you know, trying to get the money clip - which never would have worked if he hadn't distracted me - and I feel something poking my back and I asked him, "Is that your dick, or are you just happy to see me," and Sam was all, "Oh, Deany, I can't stay mad at you. Take me, big boy."  
**S**am: I did not!  
**D**ean: Dude, you totally did. Then, he was all "I love you, Dean" with his hand down my pants, like he hadn't fucked my car up not ten minutes ago and I would have pointed that out, but him being my bitch and all...  
**S**am: I am not your bitch! And I did not say that.  
**D**ean: Like you remember anything you say when my cock's up your...  
**B**obby: Okay, boys, that's enough.  
**D**ean: But...  
**B**obby: _Really_.  
**D**ean: Fine.  
**S**am: ... you're the bitch.  
**D**ean: Oh, that's it!  
**B**obby: I'll just be waiting outside then. I swear, they never change.

**Episode 16: Roadkill**  
**M**olly: Stop! Stop!  
**D**ean: Holy...  
**M**olly: You have to help me.  
**S**am: Dean, I don't think she knows she's dead.  
**D**ean: You know what this means?  
**S**am: Huh? What are you...  
**D**ean: Dude, ghost sex!  
**S**am: ...  
**M**olly: You've gotta help me. bangs on window Please! Please?  
**D**ean: Oh, and she can touch things. We are so in there.  
**S**am: Dean, shut up. All right, all right, calm down. Calm down. Tell us what happened.

**Episode 17: Heart**  
**S**am: She... she turned.  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: I couldn't grab her in time.  
**D**ean: We'll find her, Sammy.  
**S**am: Wait. Dean...  
**D**ean: Yeah?  
**S**am: Werewolf sex. That's one up on you _and_ Dad.  
**D**ean: Shut up and call Bobby.

**Episode 18: Hollywood Babylon**  
**D**ean: Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you. What was it like working with Richard Mole?  
**S**am: ...  
**D**ean: Metal Storm. He was Hiron, King of the Psychlopse People.  
**G**erard: Gentlemen's Gentleman.  
**D**ean: Yeah?  
**S**am: Are we done here? Or did you wanna, you know, get on your knees and maybe suck his cock or something?  
**D**ean: ...Can I?

**Episode 19: Folsom Prison Blues**  
**D**aniels: They just don't seem cut and dry guilty to me. I think there's more to this.  
**H**enriksen: Like what?  
**D**aniels: I don't know, I can't put my _fingers_ in it. It's just... strange.  
**H**enriksen: Wait, did you say put your fingers _in_ it?  
**D**aniels: Just wait, Henriksen, something doesn't add up. Those boys are _getting off_. I'll see to it.  
**H**enriksen: You'll what?  
**D**aniels: You know, you don't even have enough _hard_ evidence.  
**H**enriksen: That's just wrong.  
**D**aniels: Mark my word, I'll wrap my mouth around this one...  
**H**enriksen: ...  
**D**aniels: Yeah, I know. I'd already used a hand reference, though. I was kind of stuck.  
**H**enriksen: See, that's where you went wrong, you should have gone with something like... digging deep, maybe?  
**D**aniels: Hm. Okay, I got it, let's try this again. They just don't seem cut and dry guilty to me. I think there's more to this.  
**H**enriksen: Like what?  
**D**aniels: I don't know, it's just strange. I think I need to dig _deeper_.  
**H**enriksen: Much better.

**Episode 20: What Is and What Should Never Be**  
**D**ean: I don't believe it.  
**M**ary: Honey, you're grabbing my ass.  
**D**ean: Sorry, just... old habit.  
**M**ary: What?  
**D**ean: Nothing.

_Later_

**S**am: Okay, what's gotten into you?  
**D**ean: What do you mean?  
**S**am: I mean this whole warm, fuzzy, ecstacy trip thing.  
**D**ean: I'm just happy for you, Sammy.  
**S**am: Yeah, right, that's another thing. Since when do you call me Sammy? Dean, come on. We don't talk outside of holidays  
**D**ean: We don't? ... Wait, does that mean we don't...?  
**S**am: Don't what?  
**D**ean: Well, _you know_.  
**S**am: No, I don't.  
**D**ean: ... Oh, that does it, this reality sucks.  
**S**am: Dean, where are you going?  
**D**ean: To kill a goddamned genie. Wish granting my ass, it's more like a friggin' nightmare. Where the hell does Mom keep the silver? And do you know where there's an all night butcher somewhere around here?

**Episode 21: All Hell Breaks Lose (Part One)**  
**D**emon: You're awfully quite, Sam. You're not mad at me, are ya?  
**S**am: I'm gonna... fuck the shit out of you, I swear to...  
**D**emon: Wait, what?! Where the hell did that come from?  
**S**am: Well... it's like... I mean... Dean said...  
**D**emon: Dean said what?  
**S**am: We both kind of noticed that pretty much everyone I sleep with dies. Actually, more than pretty much. So, we figured if I slept with you...  
**D**emon: Zip that the hell back up. Boy, what is wrong with you? Maybe I was little rash taking Daddy away. You two can't pull a plot device out of each other's ass without him leading the way. You've been sleeping with Dean for how long? I haven't killed him, have I?  
**S**am: You tried! Dean's just strong and... smart and stuff, so...  
**D**emon: Strong and smart and stuff. Well, I'll give you 'and stuff,' but here's the thing, Sammy. If I'd wanted to take Dean, I would have. So, what you have to ask yourself... I said _zip up _and put your shirt back on. What you have to ask yourself is, why didn't I?  
**S**am: Because... I got nothing.  
**D**emon: I swear, it's like talking to a male model.

**Episode 22: All Hell Breaks Lose (Part Two)**  
**D**emon: You saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn't it? How certain are you, that what you brought back is one hundred percent pure Sam?  
**D**ean: Pretty sure.  
**D**emon: ...  
**S**am: Dean, what's he talking about?  
**D**ean: He still can't do the reach around worth hell and he pretty much sucks at deep throating.  
**S**am: Dude, that is private!  
**D**ean: I'm just saying, you've been giving head for like, what? Ten years. You'd think you'd have your gag reflex under control about now.  
**S**am: Just because I'm not some world class cock sucker like you doesn't mean I'm no good at blow jobs!  
**D**ean: Ah, baby, I never said you were no good. I'm just saying that's like sodomy, right? Total sin, goes against god, all that church crap. If the demon chick put something demonic in you, I just figured you'd be a little better at it, that's all.  
**S**am: No, you know what's all? You're not getting head for the next month.  
**D**ean: Don't be like that...  
**S**am: Wait... where did the demon go?  
**D**ean: ... I don't know. Did he leave _again_?  
**S**am: Son of a bitch!  
**D**ean: Hey, that's my line.

_-__**F**__inis-  
for now...  
_


	3. Season Three

**S**eason **T**hree

**Episode 1: The Magnificent Seven**  
**S**am: Let me see your knife.  
**D**ean: What for?  
**S**am: So I can gouge my eyes out?  
**D**ean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.  
**S**am: It's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean  
**D**ean: Yeah, well, what can I say? Sometimes the fangirls want het.  
**S**am: Screw the fangirls, that was all Kripke and he is one sick bastard.  
**D**ean: If it makes you feel any better, I only enjoyed it a little.  
**S**am: I hate you.  
**D**ean: You're just jealous 'cause the last girl you made it with begged you to shoot her.  
**S**am: Really, _really_ hate you.

_and_

(Ruby kills brown hairs chick/demon, Sam grabs Pride, Ruby stabs Pride)  
**S**am: Who the hell are you?  
**R**uby: The new website administrator.  
**S**am: What?  
**R**uby: I'm the girl that just saved your ass.  
**S**am: Right...

**Episode 2: The Kids Are Alright**  
**G**umbi **G**irl: Do you think he'll be okay?  
**D**ean: Yeah, I think he'll be fine. Okay, seriously, you... I mean, you're 100 percent sure he is not mine?  
**G**umbi **G**irl: You're off the hook. I did a blood test when he was a baby. There was this guy, bar back in a biker joint.  
**D**ean: ...  
**G**umbi **G**irl: What? I had a type. Leather jacket, couple of scars, no mailing address, I was there. Guess I was a little wild back then. Before I became a mom. So, yeah, you can relax.  
**D**ean: Good.  
**G**umbi **G**irl: I... I swear you look dissapointed.  
**D**ean: Yeah, well, Sammy's always wanted kids, but I was never into it. He's alright, though, you know? I'd be proud to be his dad.  
**G**umbi **G**irl: Isn't Sam you're brother?  
**D**ean: ...No. How do you feel about threesomes?

**Episode 3: Bad Day at Black Rock**  
**D**ean: 1995  
**S**am: No way! That's my division championship soccer trophy. I can't believe he kept this.  
**D**ean: It's about the closest you ever came to being a boy. Ah, wow! It's Dad's secret porn stash!  
**S**am: Wait! Don't.  
**D**ean: Why not?  
**S**am: Dean, he didn't hide transvestite hookers from us. There could be anything in there, but I'm betting whatever it is, we don't want to see it.  
**D**ean: *nods* You're right. We'll mail it to Bobby.

**Episode 4: Sin City**  
**D**ean: Richie? I don't believe it.  
**R**ichie: Hey, Dean... Winchester, right?  
**D**ean: Yeah.  
**R**ichie: Yeah. Oh, um, this is my sister, uh, Cheryl.  
**C**heryl: Hey.  
**D**ean: Hey, Cheryl.  
**R**ichie: Well, you know, step sister.  
**D**ean: Come on in. This is my little brother Sam.  
**R**ichie: Really? I didn't know you swung that way.  
**D**ean: Not like that. Well, kind of like that.

**Episode 5: Bedtime Stories**  
**D**ean: Well, you're right, it's Snow White in spades  
**S**am: Yup. Stepmom poisons the girl, puts her into a deep sleep. What's the motive, you think?  
**D**ean: Could be like Misha Barton.  
**S**am: ...?  
**D**ean: Sixth Sense, not the OC.  
**S**am: Why am I the bottom again?  
**D**ean: Shut up. You know fairytales, I know movies.

**Episode 6: Red Sky at Morning**  
**D**ean: Okay, get it out. I look ridiculous.  
**B**ella: Not exactly the word I'd use.  
**D**ean: Don't objectify me. That's Sam's job.  
**B**ella: He's welcome to join.  
**D**ean: ...maybe. Come on, we've got a job to do.

**Episode 7: Fresh Blood**  
**V**ampire: You don't understand.  
**D**ean: I don't want to understand, you son of a...  
**V**ampire: I was desperate. You ever felt desperate? I've lost everyone I ever loved. I'm staring down eternity alone. Can you think of a worse hell?  
**D**ean: No sex on prom night?  
**S**am: Dean! Are you still on that?  
**D**ean: Yeah, well, it was pretty damn important.  
**S**am: It was over ten years ago and you didn't even go to prom.  
**D**ean: What, so I don't deserve prom-night sex because I didn't put on a monkey suit and dance the Macarena? I've got feelings too, Sammy!  
**S**am: No, you don't. You have a dick that does the driving for you and this isn't even about prom. I was fourteen at your prom, we'd barely managed our first handjob. This is about earlier. I wasn't trying to stiff you, I just wasn't in the mood.  
**D**ean: Yeah, you go badass Hunter on me and then when I put the moves on, because it was totally hot, you're all, "Not now, Dean, my panties are in a twist, because blah blah blah."  
**S**am: Dude, I do not sounds like that and how come every time you mimic me, you start that babbling shit. I don't babble.  
**D**ean: Then how come all I'm hearing is, "Blah blah blah."  
**V**ampire: I take it back, this is far worse. Just cut my head off and get it over with.  
**S**am: Now look what you've done. The vampire is asking us to kill him. Way to go, Dean.  
**D**ean: This so is not my fault. You're the one with the magical death penis.  
**S**am: My penis went nowhere near him.  
**V**ampire: Seriously, guys, please? I can't really kill myself, so if you could just...

**Episode 8: A Very Supernatural Christmas**  
**D**ean: Hey, Sam?  
**S**am: Yeah?  
**D**ean: Why are you the boy that hates Christmas?  
**S**am: Dean...  
**D**ean: I mean, I admit it, we had a few bumpy holidays when we were kids, but that...  
**S**am: Bumpy?  
**D**ean: That was then. We'll do it right this year.  
**S**am: Look, Dean, it's... it's not like that, okay? It's just...  
**D**ean: Come on, Sam, you can tell me.  
**S**am: Remember the year Dad was actually there? Like physically there Christmas morning?  
**D**ean: How could I not? It was the only time I didn't have to put up your stocking.  
**S**am: I woke up that night and I heard something. It was like... I dunno, something thumping around in the other room and I thought it was Santa.  
**D**ean: Really? You thought Santa was real?  
**S**am: That's the thing. I was right - it was Santa. Dad had him bent over the coffee table, screwing his brains out.  
**D**ean: Oh! Oh, damn! Dude... Dude, I'm sorry.  
**S**am: No, it's just... you know?  
**D**ean: Yeah, oh, I'm really sorry. I won't ever bring that up again.  
**S**am: Thanks.  
**D**ean: ...Hey, Sam?  
**S**am: Yeah?  
**D**ean: We, uh... we passed a Walmart couple towns back. I bet they sell Santa suits.  
**S**am: Jerk!  
**D**ean: What?! I said we'd do it right this time.

**Episode 9: Malleus Maleficarum**  
**D**ean: Come on, Sammy, please?  
**S**am: I said no, Dean. I'm not wearing a stupid Santa suit so you can indulge your Daddy issues.  
**D**ean: Hey! _Our_ Daddy issues.  
**S**am: Whatever, I'm not doing it. Now drop it already.  
**D**ean: But I paid thirty bucks for this thing!  
**S**am: Too bad!

**Episode 10: Dream a Little Dream of Me**  
**D**ean: What the hell is that?  
**S**am: Bobby's hair.  
**D**ean: We have to drink Bobby's hair?  
**S**am: That's how you control whose dream you're in. You gotta drink some of their... uh, some of their body.  
**D**ean: Guess hair of the dog's better than other parts of the body. Never want to go there again.  
**S**am: Never want to _see_ you go there again.  
**D**ean: Bottom's up.  
**S**am: (Snickers) That's what he said.  
**D**ean: Shut up...

**Episode 11: Mystery Spot**  
**D**ean: Bullshit. That spot hasn't been a mystery since you turned sixteen.

**Episode 12: Jus In Bello**  
**D**ean: What the hell was that?!  
**S**am: (holds up cross) We're sitting ducks in here.  
**D**ean: Yeah, I know. On the upside...  
**S**am: If you say prison sex, I'll shoot you myself.  
**D**ean: Fine, your lose.  
**S**am: How many do you think are out there?  
**D**ean: I don't know. More than the threesome in Sacramento, less than the orgy in Bakersfield.  
**S**am: However many there are, they could be possessing anyone. Anyone could just walk right in.  
**D**ean: Now you're just ignoring me.

**Episode 13: Ghost Facers**  
**E**d: So, guys, what do you think?  
**D**ean: (chuckles)  
**E**d: You alright?  
**D**ean: You know, I kind of think it was half awesome.  
**M**aggie: Half awesome? Tha.. that's full on good, right?  
**S**am: Yeah, I mean it's... it's bizarre how you all are able to, uh, to honor Corbit's memory while grossly exploiting the manner of his death.  
**D**ean: Yeah, that's a real tight rope you guys are walking.  
**S**am: Yeah.  
**D**ean: Except you left out the best part.  
**E**d: What are you...?  
**H**arry: He's talking about the... you know.  
**E**d: Oh. Oh! God, no, I'm trying not to.  
**H**arry: Yeah, 'cause...  
**E**d: Exactly. 'Cause she's, you know, my sister and...  
**M**aggie: Hey, half sister. And I wasn't the only one getting freaky with Harry.  
**E**d: Wow, okay, that's the last time I want that to ever be mentioned. Got it? I said, got it?  
**H**arry: Yeah, totally.  
**M**aggie: Whatever.  
**S**pruce: (mumbles) Best night of my life.  
**M**aggie: What was that?  
**S**pruce: I said... Where did those guys go?

**Episode 14: Long-Distance Call**  
**D**ean: I mean, the only person that can get me out of this thing is me.  
**S**am: And me.  
**D**ean: And me?  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: Deep revelation, having a real moment here, that's what... that's what you come back with - and me?  
**S**am: Do you want a poem?  
**D**ean: Moment's gone. Unbelievable.  
**S**am: Hey.  
**D**ean: I said, moment's gone.  
**S**am: I know what'll cheer you up.  
**D**ean: Drop it, Sammy.  
**S**am: My tongue, your ass?  
**D**ean: ... Yeah, okay. It's been a while since I had a good rim job and you _better_ make it good after that snazzy comeback.

**Episode 15: Time Is On My Side**  
**S**am: I think this might be it. I mean I... I know we've hit a lot of walls in the past, but I think this might save you.  
**D**ean: What's this formula.  
**S**am: Look, we're not in the clear yet. There's a lot things I don't understand, but...  
(Dr. Benton jumps Sam and puts a cloth over his face)  
**D**ean: Sam? Sammy! Damnit, if you are getting kidnapped _again_, you are in big trouble, mister!

**Episode 16: No Rest for the Wicked**  
**D**ean: I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it to. I mean, what we'll do for each other, you know, how far we'll go. They're using it against us.  
**S**am: So what, we just stop looking out for each other?  
**D**ean: No. We stop being martyrs. Man, we... we stop spreading it for those demons.  
**S**am: You're spreading it for demons?  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: I thought my ass was the secret weapon. Although, that could explain...  
**D**ean: No, damnit. Okay, bad analogy. But you know what I meant.

_-tbc-_


	4. Season Four

**S**eason **F**our

**Episode 1: Lazarus Rising****  
S**am: Okay, look, we don't know what they're planning. We've got a pile of questions and no shovel. We need help.**  
B**obby: I know a psychic, few hours from here. Something this big, maybe she's heard the other side talking.**  
D**ean: Hell yeah. It's worth a shot.**  
B**obby: I'll be right back.**  
D**ean: Bobby, wait.**  
B**obby: What? You got a better idea?**  
D**ean: Yeah, well, no, just... tell her, uh, tell her we'll be there in a few days.**  
B**obby: A few days?**  
S**am: Dean, this is big, we need to get answers now.**  
D**ean: Yeah, and I need to get _laid_ now.**  
S**am: Oh! Well, in that case - Bobby, tell her a week.**  
D**ean: Oh, I'll have you beggin' for mercy before the damn night's up.**  
S**am: And I'll have you begging for... _*shuts door*_**  
B**obby: Goddamn Winchesters.

**Episode 2: Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Winchester.**  
**B**obby: I got stacks of lore - biblical, pre-biblical, some of it's in damn Cuniform. It all says an angel can snatch a soul from the pit.  
**D**ean: What else?  
**B**obby: What else what?  
**D**ean: What else could do it?  
**B**obby: Air lift your ass outta the hot box? As far as I can tell, nothin'.  
**S**am: Dean, this is good news.  
**D**ean: How?  
**S**am: Because, for once, this isn't just another round of demon crap. I mean, maybe you were saved by one of the good guys, you know?  
**D**ean: Okay. Say, it's true. Say, there are angels. I mean that... that totally revolutionizes the sex game.  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: Think about it, Sam. Castiel was like, flesh and stuff. I could _touch_ him. I bang an Angel, I rule the sex game forever.  
**S**am: Dean...  
**D**ean: No, nothing touches, "I fucked an angel."  
**S**am: We're talking angels of the lord swooping down from heaven to pull your ass out of hell and you're thinking about the sex game? Bobby, help me out here.  
**B**obby: He's your brother.

**Episode 3: In the Beginning  
****D**ean: That's not the one you want.  
**J**ohn: Are you following me?  
**D**ean: No, no, I was just passing by, I never got to thank you for that cup of coffee this morning. I was a little out of it.  
**J**ohn: More than a little.  
**D**ean: Let me repay the favor. _*eyebrow waggle*_  
**J**ohn: What?  
**D**ean: Nothing, I just thought you were gonna... I mean, I set it up for... never mind. This is the one you want.

_and_

**D**eanna: He passed your little pop quiz and now I'm inviting him for dinner. You hungry?  
**D**ean: Starving.  
**D**eanna: Good. I'm Deanna, you've met my Husband Samuel. Now wash up.  
**D**ean: Samuel and... Deanna?  
**M**ary: _*nods*_  
**D**ean: Really? Son a bitch was right. I am the girl.  
**M**ary: What?  
**D**ean: Nothing.

**Episode 4: Metamorphosis  
** **S**am: You'll get hungry  
**T**ravis: For what?  
**D**ean: Cock.  
**T**ravis: What?!  
**D**ean: No, I'm just kidding. Human flesh.  
**S**am: Dean, what are you doing?  
**D**ean: I was just trying to soften the blow.  
**S**am: You know what? If you can't be serious, you can just go wait in the car.  
**D**ean: Excuse me?  
**S**am: You heard me.  
**D**ean: What are you, Dad now?  
**S**am: Don't start with me...  
**T**ravis: Um, I hate to interrupt, but did you say _human flesh_?  
**D**ean: Yeah, human flesh, long pig, sucks to be you. Anyway...

**Episode 5: Monster**  
**S**am: Revirginate? I can't even count the number of times we had sex the first night you came back and you're telling you need some blonde floozy waitress in the back of the Impala to consider yourself devirginized?  
**D**ean: It's not the same. With me and you, it's...  
**S**am: It's 48 hours is what it was, Dean, and the only time you left the bed was to get the pizza and you didn't even bother to put pants on.  
**D**ean: Well...  
**S**am: I thought the pizza guy was gonna have a friggin' heart attack. How does 48 hours not count as devirginized?  
**D**ean: I already said, it's not the same.  
**S**am: By the time we came out, Bobby was blushing. _Bobby_, Dean. The man that got Dad his first tranny was blushing. Nothing virgin walked out of that room.

**Episode 6: Yellow Fever**  
**S**am: Hey, Dean! I've got something for ya.  
**D**ean: Sam, put that away!  
**S**am: Come on, baby...  
**D**ean: No! Get away from me! You'll split me in two with that thing!  
**S**am: I'll be gentle.  
**D**ean: No, you won't!

**Episode 7: It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester  
****D**ean: What the hell was that?  
**S**am: Halloween lore - people used to wear masks to hide from him. So, I gave it a shot.  
**D**ean: You gave it a _shot_?  
**S**am: Yeah, like when you wanted to try anal that first time, only this went _much _better.  
**D**ean: _*glares*_

**Episode 8: Wishful Thinking**  
**W**ess: 'Careful what you wish for.' You know who says that? Good looking jerks like you guys. The ones who've got it so easy because you're so handsome.  
**S**am/**D**ean: Easy?  
**W**ess: Yeah. Women... women look at you, right? They notice you?  
**S**am: Believe us, we do not have it easy.  
**D**ean: We are miserable.  
**S**am: I mean, I have to fight tooth and name just to get this asshole to bottom once a year.  
**D**ean: Oh, yeah? Well, I gotta put up with this emo bitch just so I can get some regular tail.

**Episode 9: I Know What You Did Last Summer**  
**D**ean: I guess I, uh.... you know.  
**R**uby: What?  
**D**ean: I guess I owe you... for Sam. I just wanna, you know.  
**R**uby: Don't strain yourself.  
**D**ean: Okay, then. Is the moment over? Good, cause that was awkward.  
**R**uby: Besides, not like I did anything you wouldn't do. Which, by that way, didn't leave out a whole lot.  
**D**ean: ....Sam, can I shoot her yet?

**Episode 10: Heaven and Hell**  
**D**ean: Dude.  
**S**am: Don't even say it, Dean.  
**D**ean: No, no. Just, you know, score, like, a zillion for me.  
**S**am: Right.  
**D**ean: And you? You get negative for coma girl.

**Episode 11: Family Remains  
****D**ean: Wait, why kill herself after the baby?  
**S**am: Maybe because her dad called her a dirty little whore and said he was gonna lock the baby up where nobody could ever see it?  
**D**ean: Why would he say that?  
_*Sam and Dean exchange several looks*_  
**D**ean: Oh, gross.  
**S**am: Pot, kettle, black, Dean.  
**D**ean: Yeah, but I never knocked you up. Totally different.

**Episode 12: Criss Angel Is A Douche Bag**  
**D**ean: Sam, we've got a problem.  
**S**am: What? Dean, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be meeting with that Chief dude.  
**D**ean: That's it, Sam, that's the problem.  
**S**am: I don't understand.  
**D**ean: It's Kripke.  
**S**am: Huh?  
**D**ean: He's trying to kill the fangirls again. I went to that address and it turns out The Chief was a leather daddy with a whip.  
**S**am: What?!  
**D**ean: Yeah, and the worst part? He asked me my safe word.  
**S**am: That cheap bastard. We don't use safe words.  
**D**ean: I know!  
**S**am: ... Did you ask if you could borrow the whip?

**Episode 13: Afterschool Special**  
_*on watching the flashbacks*_  
**D**ean: I don't remember you being that short.  
**S**am: What does it matter?  
**D**ean: Well, I... I mean, I kind of feel like a pedophile now, or something.  
**S**am: We were only four years apart.  
**D**ean: Four years and like three feet.  
**S**am: Maybe I should start feeling bad then.  
**D**ean: How come?  
**S**am: 'Cause I'm fucking a midget.  
**D**ean: Sasquatch.

_and_

**D**ean: Hey, that teacher is encouraging you!  
**S**am: He's helping me.  
**D**ean: Whatever. Is that why you went to Stanford?  
**S**am: ...  
**D**ean: It is, isn't it? That was some big turning point for you - when some asshole teacher told you that being yourself was more important than family. Where are my keys?  
**S**am: Why?  
**D**ean: I'll be back in an hour.  
**S**am: Dean, where are you going?  
**D**ean: I've got an ass to kick!

**Episode 14: Sex and Violence  
****D**ean: You gonna say goodbye to Kara?  
**S**am: Nah, not interested.  
**D**ean: Yeah, probably a good idea. Although...  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: You sure she's human? I mean, she did survived your magic death penis.  
**S**am: Would you stop calling it that? I've had sex with you and Ruby and you're both still around.  
**D**ean: I died and went to _hell_, the fact that I came back is inconsequential, and Ruby is a walking corpse, so she doesn't count.  
**S**am: You are such a jerk.  
**D**ean: Bitch.

**Episode 15: Death Takes a Holiday  
***jogger runs through them*  
**D**ean: Woh! _*puts his arm inside Sam's chest*_  
**S**am: ...  
**D**ean: Am I making you uncomfortable?  
**S**am: Get out of me.  
**D**ean: ...do you want to take this one, or should I?  
**S**am: Oh, for the love of... go ahead, take your shot.  
**D**ean: Nah, it's too easy. Come on, prude.  
**S**am: _*mumbles* _ You're not a prude if you put out.

**Episode 16: On the Head of a Pin**  
**A**lastair: Oh, go ahead, send me back. If you can.  
**S**am: I'm stronger than that now. Now I can kill.  
**S**am: _*kills Alistair*_  
**C**astiel: _*gives Sam the I-am-strangely-turned-on-by-that look*_  
**S**am: _*gives Castiel the up-and-down*_ Later.

**Episode 17: It's a Terrible Life**  
**D**ean: So, what? I'm just hallucinating all this, is that it?  
**Z**achariah: Not at all. Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.  
**D**ean: Just to shake things up? Hm? So, you guys can have fun watching us run around like ass clowns in... in... in monkey suits? Where's Sam? I need to wash the gay off me.  
**Z**achariah: You intend to 'wash the gay off' by sleeping with your brother?  
**D**ean: Hey, I may have been making it with a dude, but I was still a man. I can taste _soy_, you angelic bastard.

**Episode 18: The Monster at the End of This Book**  
**D**ean: What's slash fic?  
**S**am: As in, Sam slash Dean. Together.  
**D**ean: Like, _together_ together?  
**S**am: Yeah.  
**D**ean: They do know we're brothers, right?  
**S**am: Doesn't seem to matter.  
**D**ean: Oh, come on, that... that's just sick.  
**S**am: Huh?  
**D**ean: That one has 'bottom!Dean.' There's another one. Dude, there are like ten of 'em in a row! Oh. My. God.  
**S**am: What?!  
**D**ean: Darkside!Sam.  
**S**am: Move over, let me see. Hey, is that what I think it is?  
**D**ean: Wee!cest? Those sick bastards.

_and_

**S**am: What's Carver Edlund's real name?  
**S**era: Oh, no, I... No, sorry, I can't do that.  
**S**am: We just want to talk to him. You know, get the Supernatural story in his own words.  
**S**era: He's very private. Just like Salenger.  
**S**am: Please. Listen, we are, uh... _*starts to unbutton shirt*_  
**D**ean: Woah there, big boy. _*to Sera* _ Sorry, he gets a little overzealous sometimes. _*to Sam*_ Look, I know she's hot and you're on that whole love 'em and leave 'em thing, and not to say I couldn't use a good threesome, but I really don't think...  
**S**am: Dude, I was gonna show her the _tattoo_.  
**D**ean: Oh, right. _ *to Sera*_ haha... yeah, I was... kidding right there, about the... hey, look at this, _big_ fans!

**Episode 19: Jump the Shark**  
**D**ean: Who's up for an incest threesome?  
**A**dam: What?!  
**S**am: Dean!  
**D**ean: _*tips beer*_ Welcome to the family, kid.  
**S**am: No, we are not... that doesn't continue if we take him with us.  
**D**ean: There you go, then, because we're not taking him with us.  
**S**am: We can't leave him here, it's dangerous.  
**D**ean: Hey, Adam, remind me later there's a goat I need to introduce you to.  
**A**dam: ...

**Episode 20: Rapture**  
_*how Dean really got Sam into the panic room*_  
**S**am: Dude, I know you're uncomfortable with the idea that Chuck Shurley could be tuning us in while we're "going at it," but don't you think Bobby's panic room is a little extreme?

**Episode 21: When the Levee Breaks**  
**D**ean: That must have been some party you two had going, considering how hard you tried to keep me from crashing it. Well, solid try, but, here I am.**  
S**am: Dean, I'm glad you're here.  
**D**ean: Why, planning a threesome?  
**R**uby: ...is he serious?  
**S**am: What?  
**R**uby: About the threesome, because I could be down for that.  
**S**am: Oh, not you too.  
**D**ean: I am. If anyone'd be up for autoerotic asphyxiation...  
**R**uby: As if you'd let go.  
**D**ean: Can't blame a guy for trying.  
**R**uby: You are so hot right now.  
**S**am: Have I told either of you how much I hate you lately?

**Episode 22: Lucifer Rising**  
**D**ean: Sammy, let's go.  
**S**am: Dean... he's coming.  
**D**ean: _*chuckle*_ You said he's coming.  
**S**am: Dude, Lucifer is rising out of the depths of I don't even know where and you're making cracks about my choice of words?  
**D**ean: Come on. It's the end of the season. We don't have to deal with this for another four months. Let's go out with a smile.  
**S**am: ...it was kind of funny.  
**D**ean: That's my boy. _*sigh*_ I do not envy us in September.

_-**F**inis (for now)-_


	5. Season Five

**T**he** F**unnies

* * *

**S**eason **F**ive

**Episode 1: Sympathy for the Devil**  
**B**ecky: Sam. It's really you. And you're so firm.  
**D**ean: *_frowns_*  
**S**am: Uh, do I know you?  
**B**ecky: No, but I know you. You're Sam Winchester and you're... *looks at Dean* ...not what I pictured.  
**D**ean: *_frowns harder_*  
**B**ecky: I'm Becky. I read all about you guys and Ive even written a few... *_nervous chuckle_*  
**D**ean: If she put me on bottom, I'm gonna kill her.  
**B**ecky: What?  
**S**am: Nothing. Go ahead.

**Episode 2: Good God, Yall**  
**C**astiel: I killed two angels this week. Those are my brothers. I'm hunted. I rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you. And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world and I lost everything, for nothing. So keep. your opinions. to yourself.  
**D**ean: ...would a blow job help?  
**S**am: Dean!  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: Inappropriate.  
**D**ean: Oh, so when you fuck up and deep throat my cock to forgiveness, it's fine, but I offer and suddenly it's inappropriate? Why? Cause he's an angel? I don't think I've ever met anyone more in need of a blow job.  
**B**obby: Boys, not now. *_to Castiel_* You didn't dropped in just to tear us a new hole. What is it you want?

**Episode 3: Free to Be You and Me**  
**L**ucifer: Thanks to you, I walk the earth. I want to give you a gift. I want to give you everything.  
**S**am: I don't want anything from you.  
**L**ucifer: Not even Dean, naked and trussed up like a Christmas present - red bow and all - right here on this bed? I'll even gag him for you so he can't talk you out of it.  
**S**am: ...I don't want anything else from you.

**Episode 4: The End**  
**C**astiel: Our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too schooled at the art of getting to the truth.  
**D**ean '09: Torture? Oh, so we're torturing again? That that's good. Classy.  
**C**astiel: *_chuckle_*  
**D**ean '14: ...  
**C**astiel: What? I like past you. He gives great head. *to Dean '09* You don't loosen up back there like you used to - too much tension.

**Episode 5: Fallen Idols**  
**S**am: *_walks in_*  
**D**ean: (on phone with Bobby) Yeah, Abraham Lincoln and James Dean. Can you believe that? Why so kill crazy? Eh, maybe the apocalypse has 'em all hot and bothered. Yeah, well, we all know whose fault that is. Well, I'm sorry, but it's true.  
**S**am: *_closes door_*  
**D**ean: I'll call you later. Bye. *hangs up phone*  
**S**am: ...  
**D**ean: So... that's a no to stake-out sex, right?

**Episode 6: I Believe the Children are Our Future**  
**J**essie: You shouldn't have that.  
**D**ean: Why not?  
**J**essie: It can electrocute you  
**D**ean: Actually, it can't. It's just a wind up toy, it's totally harmless. It doesn't even have batteries.  
**J**essie: So, it can't shock you.  
**D**ean: Nope. Not at all. I swear.  
**J**essie: Oh. Okay.  
**D**ean: I mean, all it does is just shake in your hand. It's kind of lame. See? *shocks Sam*  
**S**am: *_glare_*  
**D**ean: *_smirk_* What did you say your name was again?  
**J**essie: Jessie.  
**D**ean: Well, Jessie, you know what they say about the size of a mans...  
**S**am: Dean! No.

**Episode 7: The Curious Case of Dean Winchester**  
**D**ean: *_digging grave_* You know this really sucks. How do we even know her spells gonna work.  
**B**obby: We don't, but we ain't got a plan B. Now less flappin' and more digging  
**D**ean: Ah! Oh god! My elbows. I'm all creaky.  
**B**obby: Hurry up, you cry baby  
**D**ean: Pound it up your ass, Iron Side.  
**B**obby: Maybe we'd done it that way, you wouldn't be whining so damn much. Now shut up and dig, grandma.

**Episode 8: Changing Channels**  
**D**ean: Oh, boy.  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: It's him.  
**S**am: Who?  
**D**ean: It's him. Doctor Sexy.  
**S**am: Dude, drool much?  
**D**ean: Jealousy's an ugly thing, Sammy.

-_and_-

** D**ean: *digging through the truck*  
**S**am: Uh, Dean, that's... that feels really uncomfortable  
**D**ean: Like you've never been fisted.  
**S**am: You've got two hands in there up to your elbows. That's a little more than just fisting.  
**D**ean: *_slams trunk_*  
**S**am: Owe!

**Episode 9: The Real Ghostbusters**  
**A**nnouncer: Welcome to the first ever Supernatural convention. At 3:45 in the Magnolia Room, we have the panel Frightened Little Boy, the Secret Life of Dean and at 4:30, there's the Homoerotic Subtext of Supernatural.  
**D**ean: Subtext? Are you kidding me? We're about as subtle as a dickslap to the face.  
**S**am: Dude, not in front of the fangirls.

**Episode 10: Abandon All Hope**  
**D**ean: So, dangerous mission tomorrow. Guess it's time to eat drink and, you know, make merry.  
**J**o: Are you giving me the last night on earth speech?  
**D**ean: What?  
**J**o: What?  
**D**ean: No. No. If I was, would, uh... would that work?  
**J**o: No. Sweatheart, if this is our last night on earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self respect.  
**D**ean: What's that?  
**J**o: ...Fine. Impala, after lights out, and bring Sam or no deal.  
**D**ean: *_smirk_* Ignorance. Works every time.

**Episode 11: Sam, Interrupted**  
**D**octor: To be frank, the relationship you have with your brother seems dangerously co-dependent. I think a little time apart might do you both good.  
**D**ean: But, I... it's not dangerous. Hot. Sexy. Damn pleasing, but it's not dangerous. It's... *_looks at Sam_* It... *_looks at the Doctor_* I'm really not helping, am I?  
**D**octor: Not really.  
**D**ean: Right.  
**S**am: Dude, shut up.

**Episode 12: Swap Meat**  
**D**ean: Adios Bitch  
**G**ary. Ah, it's Adinos  
**D**emon: *_goes back to hell_*  
**D**ean: Okay, time for the post-exorcism sex. *_unbuckles belt_*  
**G**ary: ...What?  
**D**ean: It's tradition. We exercise a demon and you, or, well, Sam, anyway, gets on his knees and takes it like a man.  
**G**ary: No, I've never... I couldn't.  
**D**ean: Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Mostly.  
**G**ary: No, I... I can't. I'm not your brother. We already talked about this. I'm not him, so...  
**D**ean: Yeah? Well then maybe next time you'll think twice before snatching someones body.

**Episode 13: The Song Remains the Same**  
**C**astiel: Ready?  
**S**am: Not really.  
**D**ean: Bend your knees.  
**S**am: Heh, that's what she said.  
**D**ean: Really?  
**C**astiel: Boys! Brace yourselves.

**Episode 14: My Bloody Valentine**  
**D**ean: *_punches Cupid_* Son of a bitch! Where is he? Whered he go?  
**C**astiel: I believe you upset him.  
**D**ean: Upset him?  
**S**am: Dean, enough!  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: You just punched a cupid.  
**D**ean: I punched a dick!  
**S**am: Um, are we gonna talk about what's been up with you lately, or not?  
**D**ean: Or not. *_walks off_*  
**S**am: *_sigh_* Looks like someone needs a blowjob.  
**C**astiel: That would be most advisable.  
**S**am: Really?  
**C**astiel: I have noticed a certain change in personality when you've been coupling. Perhaps now would be a good time for that.  
**S**am: So, let me get this straight, I'm getting permission from Heaven to fuck my brother?  
**C**astiel: I wasn't aware you were seeking permission, but, yes. There are more important things at stake than your continuing incestuous affair with Dean.  
**S**am: Duly noted. I'll be back in five. *_stops_* Make that thirty.

**Episode 15: Dead Men Dont Wear Plaid**  
**K**aren: I know you don't trust me.  
**D**ean: Why would you say that?  
**K**aren: Come on, Dean, that's why you're here, isn't it? Keeping an eye on me? I know who you are. Just like I know Bobby isn't the same mild mannered scrap dealer I married.  
**D**ean: So you, uh, saw the videos, then?  
**K**aren: The what?  
**D**ean: Huh?  
**K**aren: You said...  
**D**ean: No, no, I didn't. *drinks lemonade* You were saying?  
**K**aren: ...right.

**Episode 16: Dark Side of the Moon**  
**D**ean/Sam: *_running from Zachariah_*  
**M**asked Man: *_appears out of nowhere_* Sh. Hurry, this way!  
**S**am: *_at Dean_* This had so better not be one of your memories, or I am going back with Zachariah.

-_and_-

** A**sh: I heard that you were up and of course I had to go find you. Again.  
**D**ean: Again?  
**A**sh: This ain't the first time you've been here. I mean, you boys die more than anyone I have ever met. Although, unlike everyone else up here, I really gotta watch out when I walk into one of your memories. Last time I walked in on Dean... well, that's where I got this mask.  
**S**am: I knew it!  
**A**sh: Don't be too hard on him. I mean, I'll admit it was creepy at first, but I gotta hand it to Dean - he sure knows how to pick em. Which, by the way, thank you for that. I didn't even know it was possible to...  
**D**ean: Shut up, Ash.  
**A**sh: And you, Sam? *_shakes his head_* You are one freaky son of a bitch. Tell ya the truth, I was more than a little relieved there wasn't more than an angel chase going on in those woods.

**Episode 17: 99 Problems**  
**S**am: Uhh. I guess that's what it's like, huh?  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: Having backup.  
**D**ylan: Dean, Sam.  
**D**ean: Yo.  
**D**ylan: Hey, so um, is... is that... is that cool if I get a ride back with you guys?  
**D**ean: Hey, you saved my ass twice already, one more time you can ride it.

**Episode 18: Point of No Return**  
**D**ean: Oh, Cas, not for nothin, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid.  
**C**astiel: I was going for disappointed and angry.  
**D**ean: Yeah, well, it came across more like you were thinking about jumping my ass.  
**C**astiel: How about this? *_narrows one eye and raises his eyebrow_*  
**D**ean: Well, now you just look like a deranged pirate.  
**C**astiel: Hm.

**Episode 19: Hammer of the Gods**  
**S**am: Dean, for the last time, you are not going to convince me to call your penis Ganesh.

**Episode 20: The Devil You Know**  
**C**rowley: Good news, you're going to live forever.  
**B**rady: What did you do?  
**C**rowley: Went over to a demon's nest, had a little massacre. Must be losing my touch, though, let one of the little toads live. Oops. Also might have given said toad the impression that you left your post last night because you and I are, wait for it? Lovers in League Against Satan. Sam and Deanna here are the founders.  
**D**ean: Hey!

**Episode 21: Two Minutes to Midnight**  
**C**astiel: There's also the demon blood.  
**S**am: What? What are you talking about?  
**C**astiel: To take in Lucifer would be more than you've ever drunk.  
**S**am: But... why?  
**C**astiel: It strengthens the vessel, keeps it from exploding.  
**S**am: But the guy he's in now...  
**C**astiel: He's drinking gallons.  
**B**obby: And how is that not the worst plan you ever heard.  
**C**astiel: I had to sit through Dean's End of the World Orgy speech last night.  
**S**am: Sorry, Cas, he tries that every time. He even tried it with Jo. Thankfully, she was a lot smarter than he gave her credit for and he woke up the next morning with a Property of Sam tattoo on his ass and the aftertaste of roofie in his mouth.**  
**

**Episode 22: Swan Song**  
**C**huck Shurley: The Impala, of course, has all the things other cars have, and a few things they don't, but none of that stuff's important. This is the stuff that's important. The army man that Sam crammed in the ashtray - it's still stuck there. The Legos that Dean shoved into the vents - to this day, heat comes on, they can hear them rattle. The bottle of cherry flavored lube Dean hid under the seat the time their dad almost caught them fooling around - if they leave the car out in the sun for too long, the backseat smells faintly of the sickly sweet scent.

_-**F**inis (for now)-_


	6. Season Six

**SEASON 6**

**Episode 1: Exile on Main St.**  
**D**ean: A Year?  
**S**am: I know, but...  
**D**ean: Oh, no you don't know. Because you, mister? You just cock blocked yourself for all eternity.  
**S**am: Dean, be reasonable.  
**D**ean: Reasonable would have been calling me. Reasonable would have been passing the message along. Reasonable would have been some kind of warning before you show up like the damn cavalry when you were supposed. to be. dead.  
**S**am: Come on, there's no way you'll last eternity without ass, Dean.  
**D**ean: She a yoga instructor, Sammy, and she does anal.  
**S**am: ...I have got some serious groveling to do, don't I?  
**D**ean: You think?

-_and_-

**D**ean (_about Samuel_) Please, tell me you didn't go there.  
**S**am: No. By the way, he told me your dirty little secret.  
**D**ean: What secret?  
**S**am: You're the girl.  
**D**ean: You really don't want to get laid, like, ever, do you?

**Episode 2: Two and a Half Men**  
**D**ean: *_puts baby down_* ah.  
**S**am: Huh.  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: You... You're just... uh... actually, not awful at that.  
**D**ean: Dude, I'm barely keepin' that thing alive.  
**S**am: No! No, no, no, seriously you got a whole Dr. Huxtable vibe comin' off you. I get it now.  
**D**ean: Get what?  
**S**am: The mpreg fics. You look really cute with a baby.  
**D**ean: You've been reading the fanfic?  
**S**am: ...maybe. No, come on, don't look at me like that.  
**D**ean: You promised you weren't going to read any more of that shit. You swore to me!  
**S**am: I'm sorry, okay, just... it was a whole year. And now you're all mad at me and you won't.  
**D**ean: So, this is my fault? You delving into the sordid world of Wee-cest is _my_ fault?  
**S**am: Hey, I never look at Wee-cest.  
**D**ean: Well, thank God for small favors.  
**S**am: Now Bottom!Dean on the other hand...  
**D**ean: Never, Sammy. Never. Getting. Laid.  
**S**am: Dean...  
**D**ean: Never.

**Episode 3: The Third Man**  
**D**ean: Man, I'm just trying to figure this out, cause something's different with you. You know that.  
**S**am: Yeah. Yeah, I know.  
**D**ean: Really?  
**S**am: Yeah. I mean, I've been... hunting nonstop for the past year. Kind of… kinda on the wild. So I suppose, yeah, I'm a little rough around the edges.  
**D**ean: Yeah, I get that. I just don't think I'm getting the whole scoop. Like, when I used to hold out, you couldn't last a day without pouting and whining. Now it's been a whole month and, nothing?  
**S**am: Oh, no. Don't let that bother you. I've been sleeping with prostitutes to keep myself occupied. You know, until you're ready.  
**D**ean: ...  
**S**am: That's not any better, is it?  
**D**ean: Get in the car.  
**S**am: Right. What if I said it was only the really pricey ones? More like escorts than hookers.  
**D**ean: Get. In. The car.

**Episode 4: Weekend at Bobby's**  
**B**obby: Tell me the ring is still in your stomach.  
**R**ufus: *_pulls out ring_*  
**B**obby: I'll go boil some water.  
**R**ufus: What? You've put your entire fist up there on a dare, but you can't touch a damn ring? Prude.  
**B**obby: I heard that!

**Episode 5: Live Free or Twi-hard**  
**D**ean: That's not the worst part.  
**S**am: Then what is?  
**D**ean: You got no idea. He... I had to put on a dress and let that skuzzy blood sucker call me Bella. I had to call him Edward, and he wore glitter. I feel frickin' dirty. I have craft Herpes.  
**S**am: Really? Would it help if...  
**D**ean: So help me, if you offer to fuck me to make me feel better, I will cut your dick off while you sleep.  
**S**am: ...  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: Nothing, nothing. I'll just... back off then.

**Episode 6: You Can't Handle the Truth**  
**V**eritas: How do you really feel about your brother?  
**D**ean: ...I want his ass. I want it so bad, especially since I stopped talking to Lisa. I had this dream the other day where I laid him open with my tongue and he was begging so pretty and I...  
**V**eritas: No, not that. As a hunter, what do you feel about him?

**Episode 7: Family Matters**  
**S**am: What are you gonna do, keep me locked up in here forever?  
**D**ean: You say that like it's a bad thing.  
**S**am: Okay fine, look, I get it, Dean, I was wrong, but I'm telling you I… I'm trying to get right. It's still me.  
**D**ean: Is it?  
**S**am: Yes. So, just let me go.  
**D**ean: No way in hell  
**S**am: I didn't want it to come to this. *_slips hands out of rope_* You're not gonna to hold me Dean, not here, not in a panic room, not anywhere. You can not keep me here or there, you cannot keep me anywhere. You cannot keep me, Dean, you see, you cannot keep me in a tree. You cannot...  
**C**astiel: *_cough_*  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: *_glaring_*  
**S**am: Oh. Right, sorry, I thought we were getting past the awkwardness and moving into filing it away with humorous quips so that we can drag it up later in a chick flick moment. My bad.

**Episode 8: All Dogs go to Heaven**  
**C**rowley: Like that makes a difference to you. You'd sell your brother for a dollar right now if you really needed a soda.  
**S**am: No, I wouldn't.  
**C**rowley: Really?  
**S**am: He's worth more than that. I know exactly how good he is at giving head. With those lips, I could start the bidding at $500 and clean house for over a $1000. That's way more than one soda.

**Episode 9: Clap Your Hands if You Believe**  
**D**ean: I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.  
**S**am: You should take a shower.  
**D**ean: I should take a shower. I'm gon... I'm gonna take a shower.  
**S**am: You should let me join you.  
**D**ean: *_sigh_* Why the hell not? Yeah, okay, you should join me.  
**S**am: Really?  
**D**ean: Come on, soulless wonder, before I change my mind. And bring the lube!

**Episode 10: Caged Heat**  
**S**am: *_holds out knife to Meg_* You can see them. Take this, hold them off. It's our best shot.  
**M**eg: At Crowly. Take it and go. You kill the smarmy dick, I'll hold off the dogs.  
**D**ean: How are you gonna do that a...  
**M**eg: *_kisses Castiel_*  
**C**astiel: *_ravishes Meg_*  
**M**eg: What was that?  
**C**astiel: I learned that from the pizza man.  
**D**ean: *_to Sam_* Dude, we get out of this alive and we have got to show him Cock Hungry Pool Man.  
**S**am: No, Caged Heat. There are handcuffs.  
**D**ean: I prefer rope. How about I meet you in the middle and we go with Dungeon Master?  
**S**am: Done.

**Episode 11: Appointment in Samarra**  
**S**am: So is this the part where you pull a gun on me and lock me in the panic room?  
**B**obby: Do I have to?  
**S**am: Only if you're feeling kinky.  
**B**obby: Smart ass.  
**S**am: I wasn't joking.

**Episode 12: Like a Virgin**  
**S**am: Dean.  
**D**ean: Yeah?  
**S**am: I am so, so sorry. I can't even begin to say.  
**D**ean: For what?  
**S**am: You know what.  
**D**ean: Did Bobby?  
**S**am: Cass.  
**D**ean: Cass. Freakin' child. Look, Sam, I don't want you to beat yourself up over this, okay? Sometimes, no doesn't mean no, especially between us.  
**S**am: ...  
**D**ean: And sometimes I do like the handcuffs, okay? I just say I don't, because then you'd hold it over me like I'm some S&M queen, which I'm not.  
**S**am: I was talking about letting you get turned into a vampire.  
**D**ean: Right.  
**S**am: And trying to kill Bobby.  
**D**ean: Got it.  
**S**am: And conspiring with Cass to double team you in the threesome.  
**D**ean: That was out of line.  
**S**am: He said you enjoyed it.  
**D**ean: Still out of line.  
**S**am: Uh hu. So, you _do_ like the handcuffs?  
**D**ean: Shut up.

**Episode 13: Unforgiven**  
**D**ean: You got mysterious coordinates, from a mysterious Mr. X, leading to a mysterious town. That doesn't throw up red flags to you?  
**S**am: I don't know, maybe, but that doesn't mean we can just ignore a bunch of missing girls. Right?  
**D**ean: Fine. We'll hit the road in twenty.  
**S**am: Twenty?  
**D**ean: Yeah, I got something you need to take care of first. *_undoes jeans_*  
**S**am: Dude, worst pick up line ever.  
**D**ean: Is it gonna work?  
**S**am: Yeah.

-_later_-

**S**am: What's happening here right now, it's because I messed up. Somehow, in some big way. So every person who gets taken, every person who dies – that's on me. I have to stop it, and you'd do the same thing.  
**D**ean: *_throws Sam on bed_*

-_later_-

**D**ean: You okay?  
**S**am: You were right. I shouldn't have come back here.  
**D**ean: Well, you did kill spiderman.  
**S**am: So you're suggesting what I did back there was a good thing?  
**D**ean: I'm just saying...  
**S**am: What?  
**D**ean: Sammy, you gotta understand...  
**S**am: Wait. Dean, are you _hard_?  
**D**ean: No! Well, yeah, but...  
**S**am: Oh my god, you've been jumping me every time I get emotional!  
**D**ean: Hey, not every time.  
**S**am: You dragged me into the bathroom of the diner when I got annoyed they put mustard on my sandwich.  
**D**ean: Right. I'll just... go take a cold shower, then.

**Episode 14: Mannequin 3 - The Reckoning**  
**D**ean: So, uh, what did you find out from the mop jockey's girlfriend?  
**S**am: Nothing, just how great he was. Went to church, donated to charity, rubbed her feet during Glee.  
**D**ean: I just threw up in my mouth.  
**S**am: Right, because you don't love it when I rubbed your feet.  
**D**ean: I don't watch Glee.  
**S**am: But crying over Oprah is so masculine.  
**D**ean: Bitch.

**Episode 15: The French Mistake**  
**S**am: All right, here goes. It says you're from Texas.  
**D**ean: Really?  
**S**am: Yeah. And uh... oo.  
**D**ean: What?  
**S**am: Huh? Oh, um, nothing.  
**D**ean: Didn't sound like nothing.  
**S**am: Well, it's just... apparently there's something called RPS.  
**D**ean: RPS?  
**S**am: Yeah, Real Person Story. You know, like the fanfic we ran into before, only with real people.  
**D**ean: ...Are you telling me that even in this universe, people think we're fucking?  
**S**am: Be fair, Dean, we _are_ fucking.  
**D**ean: No, you know what? It's the principle of the thing. Who I fuck is my business.  
**S**am: And apparently the business of thousand of horny young girls and boys who seem to think you do a lot bottoming. Oh, and you were on a soap opera.  
**D**ean: I hate this universe.

-_and_-

**G**enevieve: You have been Sam Winchester way too long. *_takes Sam's hand to lead him upstairs_*  
**S**am: Oh, wait, hold on. I wanna get De..., um, Jensen. There's this thing I read. I wanna try it.  
**G**enevieve: Read where?  
**S**am: Fanfic. There's this one where we all have a threesome and he'd never go for that before because you're all evil and, well, dead now, but you're not, because you Gen.  
**G**enevieve: How much did you drink?  
**S**am: A lot.  
**G**enevieve. ...Fine, go get him. Wouldn't be the first time.

**Episode 16: And Then There Were None**  
(_Rufus getting out car_)  
**R**ufus: I don't even know why you have a driver's license.  
**B**obby: Yeah? Well, maybe next time I'll give you road head and we'll see how you drive.  
**R**ufus: It's courtesy, Bobby. A man had his mouth around your dick, you try not to jam his head into the steering wheel every time you hang a left.  
**B**obby: I didn't ask you to give me head!  
**D**ean: *_to Sam_* Dude, it's like looking at ourselves in thirty years.  
**B**obby: I heard that!

**Episode 17: My Heart Will Go On**  
**B**althazar: Yes, unfortunately, there is still an Ashton Kutcher and you still averted the apocalypse, and there are still Arc Angels. It's just the small details that are different – like, you don't drive an Impala  
_*Sam and Dean exchange glance_*  
**B**althazar: Yes, yes, what's an Impala, trust me, it's not important. And... and, of course, you and Sam are no longer in a sordid incestuous relationship and Ellen and Jo are alive.  
**D**ean: Ellen and Jo, what?  
**S**am: Incestuous relationship?  
**D**ean: Sam, prior... wait, incestuous relationship?  
**B**althazar: Yes, they're supposed to be dead and the two of you are supposed to be humping like rabbits every other hour or something ridiculous like that. You see, I save a boat, one thing leads to another, which leads to another thousand things and yada yada yada, to cut a long story short they don't die in a massive explosion.  
**S**am: That doesn't explain the incest.  
**B**althazar: Yes, well, that's a bit more complicated, but let's just agree, I did a good thing.

-_later_-

**D**ean: We are not sinking the boat, Bobby, okay? Don't even think about it.  
**B**obby: Well, okay, what's got your panties in a clench?  
**D**ean: ...nothing.  
**B**obby: Try that again?  
**D**ean: It... look, it... it doesn't even really matter, but...  
**B**obby: But?  
**D**ean: Ellen...  
**S**am: Dean and I are having sex.  
**B**obby: What?  
**D**ean: No! No, Bobby, we're not having sex.  
**S**am: No, not now, but if the boat sinks. If the boat sink something happens, dominos get knocked over and somehow I end up pile driving my brother.  
**D**ean: Hey, who says you're on top.  
**S**am: My two inches and your girly lips?  
**D**ean: If you were gay, you'd have pink toenails to match your favorite shirt.  
**S**am: Oh, yeah, well if you were gay, you'd...  
**B**obby: Boys! I get it, just don't let that boat sink. I'm already wading ass deep in your personal shit without adding incest to it. *_hangs up_*  
**D**ean: Dude, what the hell?  
**S**am: I don't know! It seemed like a better idea than telling him Ellen and Jo would die.  
**D**ean: You're probably right. He's bad enough with her, imagine if she wasn't there.

**Episode 18: Frontier Land**  
**S**am: Just because you're obsessed with all that wild west stuff…  
**D**ean: No, I'm not.  
**S**am: You have a fetish, Dean!  
**D**ean: Shut up, I like old movies.  
**S**am: Your birthday sex includes me wearing a saddle while you strut around in spurs and chaps and I try to pretend you aren't talking to me like I'm horse because bestiality is an entire other level of wrong I don't even want to get into. I am not putting on leather riders; I am not wearing skin tight jeans that ride up my ass; and if there is a cowhide jacket in there with fringe, you can forget that too. It isn't your birthday. I'm not putting it on.  
**D**ean: ...At least wear the damn shirt.

**Episode 19: Mommy Dearest**  
**D**ean: Why. What does she want with a... what do you call these?  
**B**obby: Well, congrats, you discovered it, you get to name it.  
**D**ean: Sammy's G-spot.  
**S**am/**B**obby: No!  
**D**ean: Fine! Jefferson Starships.

**Episode 20: The Man Who Would Be King**  
**C**rowley: Ah yes, but is that all you're holding? See, the stench of the Impala is all over your overcoat, Angel.  
**C**astiel: That's not the Impala, it's Dean's semen and I'm not sure I understand what you're implying.  
**C**rowley: ...subtlety is lost on you.

**Episode 21: Let It Bleed**  
**S**am: Wh… HP Lovecraft? Let me see that.  
**D**ean: Am I supposed to know who that is?  
**B**obby: Horror writer? At the Mountains of Madness? The Call of Cthulhu?  
**D**ean: Yeah. S... I'm... No, I was too busy having sex with women.  
**B**obby: Well, we all know that ain't true.  
**S**am: Yeah, you spent half the damn time in my pants,  
**D**ean: Right, so, women.  
**S**am: Jerk.

**Episode 22: The Man Who Knew Too Much**  
**S**am: I'll be fine.  
**R**obin: Says the headcase that just slumped over a minute ago. Look, is there anyway I can convince you to go to the hospital?  
**S**am: No, apparently I'm stubborn.  
**R**obin: What if I showed you my boobs?  
**S**am: ...and gay.

-_and_-

**D**ean: So, when you said "bow down and profess your love" are you talking blow jobs?  
**C**astiel: No. Do you have any 8's?  
**D**ean: Nope, go fish. So, what then?  
**C**astiel: Well, it depends. From Bobby, I'll accept fealty and maybe have him kiss my ring.  
**B**obby: Appreciate that.  
**C**astiel: From you and Sam I was hoping for more of an apology. And a repeat of the threesome.  
**S**am: Can't blame him. That was a good threesome.  
**D**ean: Hey, I thought you didn't remember anything.  
**S**am: Oh, right, no, I remember everything now. Cas, you got any 4's?  
**C**astiel: *_passes a card_*  
**D**ean: And?  
**S**am: And nothing, it's summer break, I don't have to deal with that shit till fall it's gonna stay that way. I am not spending the next three months reliving how many ways Lucifer and Michael made me their bitch.  
**B**obby: Is this what it's always like being in the cliff hanger after a Season Finale?  
**D**ean: Pretty much.  
**S**am: Yeah, what's it like for you?  
**B**obby: I kick back, drink beer and watch reruns of True Blood.  
**C**astiel: Bobby is wise. Your new god decrees that next year, we will end the season somewhere with a television and a couch.  
**B**obby: And beer.  
**C**astiel: Yes, and beer.  
**D**ean: I will bow down to that. Bobby, you got a 7?  
**B**obby: Go fish.


End file.
